The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
– Shree Rajneesh, Spiritual Leader
Being a mother isn’t just a biological process –it is about commitment, love, joy and so much more. It is a blessing and it is about ensuring the life long dedication to make a sensible, responsible, honest human being out of a child. Becoming a mother has its anxieties and dilemmas. It is nowhere close to the calm and poised image shown on television ads or movies. For some women, the ultimate goal may not be to become a mother. For some, the decision may not come easy.
I was talking to a friend the other day who was very upset because someone labeled her as self-centric woman as she is undecided whether she wants to be a mother or not. I could totally relate to her feelings because I had been on her shoes for many years and often received such comments from strangers and as well as so called well wishers. Why is it that women are constantly labeled as selfish if they need time to transition from womanhood to motherhood? Would you rather have someone turning her back on a child than taking the time to make the decision? Is the pressure mainly in the Asian culture or in every culture? Do you agree such decision needs to come from within?
Did I ever think I would love being a mom? Not even in a day-dream. Was I afraid of the lifetime commitment of motherhood? Absolutely. Did I stress about slowing down a fast paced career? Extremely. I have few friends with whom I shared these exact views but we made sure we kept such thoughts only between us and they were not to be shared with others. I am sure there are many who can relate to this kind of thoughts. Many more than who openly admits.
The arrival of my daughter has forever changed my world. Before I was a Mom, I had clean house all the time, unstained clothing, high heels, and no flats. I wore blazers for longer hours than pajamas in a day. I was always the type to say I wanted to focus on career and enjoy our lifestyle as a couple. I slept all night without waking up to check on if everything was in order. Went to bed as late as I wanted on weekends without worrying about getting up early in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday. I had opinions on stay-at-home-mothers who give up their promising career vs. working mothers who pursue theirs. I no longer have opinion on stay-at-home-mothers vs. working mothers. I absolutely don’t judge one who is unsure whether they want to make the transformation ever because I have been there.
Am I am happier with my daughter in my life than I ever remember? Utterly. Do I regret the time I took to come to a realization that I may want to become a mother? Not at all. The transformation from womanhood to motherhood may not be simple for some and, in my humble opinion, there is nothing weird or selfish about it. It is important to take the time, if one needs to, because there is no turning back.
Before I became a mom, I never felt my heart break into million pieces when I couldn’t stop a cry, or that someone so small can have such profound influence on me, or could make me feel so important. The love, the joy, the magic. I never imagined I would love being a mom until I became one. I am astonished at nature’s grace and thank almighty each day for the miraculous decision that I made.
Just because I love my transformation of being a mother does it give me the permission to preach all my friends with no kids to become mothers? I do not have the audacity to do that. Was the decision to become a mother easy for you? Did you ever have any doubts? If you are not a mother, what are your worries when you think about the subject?
Great, courageous post. Not a common practice to speak your mind about topic like such.
Courageous or not, it is the fact 🙂
What a beautiful post. I do not know what I would be if I would not be a mom 🙂 My kids make me who I am.
Thanks for stopping by Soma. Isn’t it amazing how these little persons define us moms?
How lovely. One day, I hope your daughter will read this, and know how much you loved and adored her, right from the very start.
Thanks for stopping by Joyti. I had the post sitting to be published for over two weeks as I thought hard whether this is something I want my daughter to read or not. I hope when she reads this, she understands how I feel about her and not linger over what I felt before her.
Such a beautiful post.I can totally relate to what you have said. But I do agree that my prerspective about life was changd with the arrival of my son.
A beautiful post! Being a mother is indeed a commitment.
Cheers,
Rosa
Very well said! I always tell all my newly married cousins, friends, my nephew…that they need to be ready before becoming parents. I become a mum way early in my marriage and I wish I had waited. It’s important to establish a life with your spouse before becoming parents. That mentality you are talking about is purely Asian I believe. It’s changing…but it’s still very much there.
Nazneen
Well said. I have friends who don’t want kids and there are usually reasons they come to this conclusion. I don’t judge them…they have a right to their own wants and needs….but your right there are people out there that immediately judge without knowing the whole story. Nice post!
April
It is a beautiful post. I relate to it so much. I took a break from work (for 3 years) to be with my daughter. It was, by far, the most amazing time of my life.
i ditto with you on everything
i also felt that i needed the time, i needed everything to be right so that i could focus on the new one and be fully committed. being a mother is the best best thing that ever happened to me, but i took my own decision at my own time, instead of giving in to the surrounding pressure.
Absolutely. There is no turning back from motherhood, so no pressure was going to get me in unless I was ready. I know there are women who knows from the get go that they want to be a mother, and then there are folks like us who need to think it through. I don’t see any issues with either clan 🙂 Thank you for stopping by, Ayreen. Glad to have you. I hope to see you soon, again.
Definately not just an Asian thing ha ha!
It is very prevalent in the USA too. Some people say “make sure to wait until you are ready” or “make sure you can handle the commitment.” Most assume you will have children immediately after marriage and get flustered when you want to wait or have no plans to have children. Or heaven forbid you don’t want to get married ha ha! That is seen as unthinkable by a lot of people.
People often get called selfish here too if they want to figure themselves out and then have children or figure themselves out and then get into a relationship. It is very counter intuitive since a happy, self aware woman makes for a loving/supportive/wise mother or wife.
With anything worthwhile, it seems far better to do something when you are prepared. What can a woman have to teach her children if she doesn’t know who she is, what she believes, and has no life experience. It is like trying to start a science career without getting the proper degree. We and their fathers are their first teachers.
Just my small imput.
Very valuable input, M. Totally agree that if a woman is not happy or self aware it is very difficult to be a loving, supportive mother or a wife. Everyone is different in their own ways, so it is normal for each individual to have different outlook about marriage and parenthood. For the first 10 years of my married life, I didn’t know whether I was really fit to be a mother. Heck, I wasn’t even sure while I was pregnant. Now that I am a mom, I wouldn’t have it any other way. However, that doesn’t give me the right to judge others and/or pressure others to have a baby. As a matter of fact, now that I know what it takes to raise a baby, I would actually advise others to be really prepared.