Our children are an amanah from Allah swt. The best gift we can give our Muslim children is a proper upbringing. But as parents we can all agree that parenting can be confusing and daunting as babies do not come with an instruction manual. On top, each child is different making our job as parents even more harder. Parenting really is the hardest job ever. So what effective Islamic parenting approach can parents follow to upbring children who can be successful in this world and next?
I took a few parenting class at our local masjid taught by Shaykh Yaser Birjas. I’ve heard him mention this below Hadith a few times in the last 2-3 years. As I thought more and more about this Hadith, I realized Islam has provided some wonderful guidelines for parents in order to raise our children.
“Play with them for the first seven years (of their life); then teach them for the next seven years; then advise them for the next seven years (and after that).”
– Prophet Mohammed (pbuh)
The above Hadith of the Prophet gives us the guidance to divide the upbringing of a child into three stages.
Islamic Parenting Stages:
First Seven Years(0-7)
This is the time to let the child play but roll up the parenting sleeves to build a strong connection to our child. These are the formation years when a child is constantly influenced by the surroundings and learns by observing.
Children imitate their parents more than anyone. If you find any undesired behavior in your child, check if you, your spouse or a caregiver has acted similarly in front of your child.
These are the foundation years, the base from which the relationship with them grows. If this is rock solid, the remaining years will be much easier. If this foundation forms poorly, the next years will be more challenging.
Next Seven Years(7-14)
Once children reach seven, they are ready for logical reasoning and Islamic ethics. This is the time when children are sponges, ready to soak up anything and everything you show, teach, and tell them.
The second stage of upbringing is the time to teach them secular and religious knowledge, halal vs haram, and all the things they need to know. Teach them sports, too;
Prophet (pbuh) said: “Teach your children swimming, archery and horseback riding.” So teach them sports too. Sports have many benefits including teamwork, leadership, sportsmanship and physical fitness.
At this stage, children are young and they are still in the process of learning what is right and what is wrong. It is the parents’ responsibility to teach the child how to behave, how to choose his environment and decide which type of people to fill that environment with, so that they can continue to do what is best for them.
Without boundaries, society would be in chaos. Similarly, children need a set of boundaries to guide their behavior, which gives the children the freedom to act and behave. If they do not know what the boundaries are then they do not know what is acceptable and what is not.
If children are taught beforehand what is correct and good behavior, then they will have the guidelines to act within the boundaries and will not be left wondering and confused.
As parent, set rules and boundaries for everyone in the family (including yourself!) and take care to explain to your children why they must obey them. Children love logical reasoning, so let them ask questions while you calmly explain.
The Final Seven Years(14-21)
Once your child hits 14(or puberty), children achieve independence and they develop their own personality.
During these critical years, befriend them, advise them, and do what you can; understand that they are now full adults according to Islam, and the choices are theirs to make, right or wrong. As parents, our responsibility is to advice them.
I sincerely pray that Allah swt guides each of us to establish a trusting relationship with our children and we be their trusted confidant, that advisor, that go-to person when they need help or advice; maybe even that “cool” mom or dad who they adore.
I pray for a close, loving, happy and fulfilling relationship with our children for all the days of our lives and to be reunited with them in Jannat ul Firdaus. Ameen.
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Hello, thank you, I am Ismail from Uganda, I am not known to be violent or one that shouts at others, but ever since I got married and got children, things change when I go home, sometimes I blame my wife, other times I pinch or smack my children, my olden is 4 years (a girl), the next is 3 years (a boy) and the youngest (a girl) is making two years soon.
Please advise me on how to be a better person, I do not like the parent and husband I am, I feel like I am mistreating my family. Thank you for the article though
Love your children brother! They are innocent.
Be patient with children communicate with them. Get down on their level and let them know when they’re not following the rules. Let them know if they don’t follow rules they can’t have their toy or snack or will be in a time out. They are too young to be hit. You are teaching them violence. It must be difficult with children so close in age but hitting should be the last resort and that should be maybe the back of the hand a little smack but letting them know why. If they’re too young to understand they shouldn’t be hit.
You are a good person cause you blamed yourself honestly! I am 13 and half and I have a single mom who was my friend since birth. And that’s what made me love her andhave a flexible living relationship with her…however the last year mom had a problems at daily life and at work and she had a lot of work and a lot of bad things in her life therefore she shouted alot at me only shouting not beating but that made me sad and I cried alot I also had depression and became cold and mom later on took me to a therapist cuzshe knew by a coincidence that I was cutting because of stress at home and also at school because of a teacher who used to bully me. Mom isn’t bad mom was stressed and she didn’t know how to manage it that’s why it was being spilled on me… I guess that is what is happening to you Maybe you are stressed and you don’t know what to do because of that stress…Mom had a better enviroment later and now out fights reduced alhamdulilah. So the solution is to build a good enviroment for yourself maybe better work, sports, better sleep, health care, meditation,more breaks and last but not least ask help from Allah and be patient I know they can be stressful but try to be patient you have 3 mental health and 3 childhoods in your life and their childhood is a very important part of their life try to make it better you should be responsible even more. And I think that you will succeed in that easily cuz you didn’t blame them you didn’t ask how to make them better you asked how to make yourself better and that’s a great start facing yourself is great…but please cut physical abuse be strict on yourself in that part
This is such a beautiful response. May Allaah bless you and grant you the highest levels of Jannah, under which rivers flow.
Asc. Brother Ismail, you have pure heart because you are looking for advice and you felt your behavior is not what you want to be,
Kids need to be loved and understood. As parents we should remember the way we were when we were at their age. Above all Allah swt forgive them completely, there is wisdom in there.
Be patient and learn how to switch home mood after work.
Leave the work load outside your home like shoes.
I hope you all the best Inshaa Allaah
You have to figure out the core reason why you are acting like that. If work is stressful or etc you need to solve that situation, putting ur hand on the children is not only wrong and will leave them damaged but you are not doing anything other than easing ur temporary frustration.
May Allah give you guidance and protect ur children and family. Ameen.
The best way to shout at your kids is saying Yahdeek Allah or Allah Yahdeek (May Allah guide you). Trust me by saying this there’ll be lots of difference in them. It’s said that The creations(Malak angel) of Allah always says Ameen. So we must always speak pleasantly only good words. Because all the duas we make for others will reflect on us too.
I think brother you need start a fully change on your behavior and try to tolerate may Allah make it easy for you and your family make due always reed islamic books you will learn a lot when you show respect your wife and kids they will love you more and pray for you may Allah guide us the best way
Hi, same happened here, after few years I coincidentally found out from a very pious man that it’s caused by Jin disturbances. You can check by asking few Quranic healers or try reciting entire surah Al-Baqarah in one-go. If you can’t complete it, or if its very heavy to do so, then it’s definitely the Jin story. If you don’t treat this, it will effect your income, health and your happiness as well as theirs.
When they become adult, you will be hated and resented, then you can’t use hadith to force them to treat you kindly.
We need much patience to upbring our kids. Allah has blessed us beautiful gift ,which lots of people crying for ….who feels lonely without kids. Thanks Allah swt and dua that he gives you enough patience to deal with your family with love. Read dua daily rabbana hablana min azwajina wadhurriya Tinaa qura ta aa yuniw waj aalna lil muttaqina imama . to make your children comfort of your eyes.
Salam. I have a lovely child alhumthulillah. Who at times can be very mean towards her sibling. Or another child. To which I raise my voice and stop her. Is this permissable? I am being pinpointed for raising my voice as prophet Muhammad saw was always affectionate towards children and elders. So me raising my voice scares my nephews nieces and my child. But I know my child since birth and unfortunately she won’t listen unless I’m firm stern raise my voice. No swearing screaming beating etc at all. Please reply so I can clarify this. Also this doesn’t happen daily. When she’s in a room full of people she thinks she will get away with silly behaviour. But word gets back she’s being rude again. Some children are selfish and want their way all the time. Unfortunately she was an only child for 6 years. So this has been picked up from a young age. And I have had to command her to stop. I can add more details if need be. Please can you help in some way with references. On the 1 hand there is the hadith after 10 years old if they don’t pray beat them. Not violently but as a punishment. So can a mother not raise her voice to stop a child’s misbehaviour??? To discipline and stop the child from behaving wrongly?